Not sure where to go from here…

A year later and I’m not sure where I go from here…

Have I learned anything about why I fall in love with the wrong men? Not really. Have I learned how to love truly and completely? Not so much. Is this lonliness something I just have to go through and eventually down the road I will look back and say I made it through that? I don’t know but I don’t see any other way.

So I reluctantly put up my Christmas tree, and managed not to cry. That was a huge achievement for me. I skipped putting the lights around the windows which I always loved. I’ve been asking myself this question a lot the last few weeks…”When did I stop being able to feel happiness?” Not the kind of happiness you feel around your friends or when you watch a funny movie, but deep contented happiness that helps guide your soul through life. I’ve lost that and I don’t think it has anything to do with a man. My soul is searching for something else…I just wish I knew what that was.

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A general thought…

Flowers are to girls what blowjobs are to men…we don’t expect them everyday but once in a while we need it to feel satisfied.

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I would do anything for love…

Sometimes the best way to figure out your flaws is to talk to a family member.  They tell you what they think and because they love you it’s easier to take…sort of. I have on more than one occasion been annoyed at what was said but eventually you accept it for what it is – family. That’s how families are…at least that is how my family is.

I was discussing love and relationships with my sister the other day. It was a general discussion about marriage, love and everything in between. The talk eventually turned to my continual “pushover” personality that I seem to have in every relationship I’m involved in. An example would be how I used to cut my ex-boyfriend’s steak into bite size pieces. My sister asked why I would do such a thing and my answer was honest…”because he asked me to.”

Looking back it seems silly but knowing myself I would probably do the same thing now. Isn’t that what a good girlfriend/wife does? If you want something, just ask and I will climb mountains to get it for you.  I fall in love and I’ll drop everything and change everything.

I would do anything for love.  Oh wait, that’s Meatloaf’s line. I’m suddenly seeing myself in a terrible ad for “the perfect housewife 1950”. And if you’ve read my post on being the un-wife then you know I was anything but the perfect wife. Am I trying to compete with all the wives who run a household to perfection? Maybe that’s why I do silly things like becoming a vegetarian, peeing in a cup for my ex-husband’s drug test, or throwing ultimate fighting parties even though I can’t bare to look at the screen.  I suppose I feel that I need to make up for being a lousy cook, housekeeper and all around go-to person. If I’m not all those things, why would someone want to be with me? Am I being a love pushover or am I committed to satisfying my partner and trying to be perfect in every other way?

For me, love is connecting with another person.  It also means that while we have to be individuals we also have to compromise and enjoy some of each other’s interests.  I tend to be the one compromising in my relationships which is neither fair nor satisfying.  I hope that in my next relationship my partner finds a few things I do interesting…now if only I knew what I enjoyed doing.

 

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How do you fix lonely?

It’s early morning and the sun is brightly filling the sky.  I watch as a a few leaves fall from the tree in my back yard.  Autumn is on it’s way…my favorite time of the year.  The air is cooler than it has been and in a few months snow will be falling and it will cover everything in a blanket of white.  I step outside and close my eyes as the sun gently touches my face…it’s warm, comforting.  It’s peaceful and beautiful.

A lovely day and yet I feel blue for some reason.  I’m not exactly sad but not happy either…somewhere in the middle.  I made the right chocie by leaving my marriage but of course this decision has left me lonely…and for a passionate person like myself I suppose I’m having a difficult time with it.  Even the closest friends and family can’t replace the intimate connection you have with a significant other.  They are your lover, friend, and everything in between.   I love thinking about another person and caring about them completely.  I love being in love.  And on those days when eveything seems to go wrong at work or in the world and yet you smile as you walk in the door knowing that your loved one is going to ask how your day was.  They give you a hug right when you need it and you spend the night making each other feel wonderful again.  It’s such a nice feeling and I can’t wait to have that again!

I’m approaching a year of single-life…although I felt alone within my marriage far longer than that.   I have to keep remembering that I chose this…loneliness.   I move forward each day trying to focus on other things.  I am still searching for love but in the meantime things must get done right?

Another road trip but this time it is to visit family.  I fell in love…with Chicago.  Not my first visit although my visits there are always far too brief, but if there was one place in the states I would move to tomorrow it wouldn’t be California or Florida…it would be Chicago.  It’s just a feeling I got when I was there…kind of like falling in love with a guy.  I can’t really explain why or how it can happen so fast but it suits me I suppose and my heart is excited to see him again.  And just like when I fall in love…I want to see him every day and miss him a lot when I’m not there!

So now I’m trying to find ways to fix my loneliness.  Anyone have suggestions on how to fix lonely?

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Take The Poll Please – Divorce/Breakups

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Walking the Cliffs

I decided to take a drive to Long Point, Ontario as part of my Adventure from A-Z.  Long point is a peninsula on Lake Erie and although they boast being world famous, I had honestly never heard of the place until I went there.  It was spectacular though…miles of sandy beaches, marshes for migrating birds as well as parks for camping.

I suppose this type of adventure is my favorite…getting into my car and driving somewhere without a plan or definite destination.  “Today I will head south…wonder where I will end up?”  I love it!    I’m not into skydiving or rock climbing but I get a rush when I turn down a road and see something I’ve never seen before.  Maybe it will be strange, maybe it will be beautiful, but either way I know I will be moved by it.

After spending a few hours swimming and walking on the beach I noticed cliffs in the distance.  I drove East and found a dirt road, which by my estimation should have brought me to the cliffs and it did.  It was beautiful!  The cliffs had dirt paths with arches of ivy overhead and large trees with branches that seemed to reach up forever.  It felt like I had stepped into some magical make believe world…and I liked it.  I walked along the cliffs for about an hour until the dragonflies were more than I could stand and the sun had completely set for the night.  A truly wonderful day.  The only way the trip would have been better is if I had someone to share it with…(play sad music here).  Okay, I hate feeling this way but it is the truth…I hate being lonely.  I have spent the last few months trying to figure out love and relationships and I am none the wiser and just plain lonely.  I love connecting with another person but I’m not sure how to have a good, happy and content relationship…yet that is what I crave.

My plan to take little adventures to forget about love for awhile has not worked out.  Someone once told me that we are meant to go through life in two’s.  If that is true than why is love so difficult?  It’s especially difficult if you are an emotional person and don’t want to be a casual dater.  I’m not looking for someone to be with when we find the time or for those special occasions.  I want to share a life with another person, become a team and love each other always.

For now…single and sad…I have now been to all the great lakes and completed “L”.

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Poetry – Percy Bysshe Shelley

The Indian Serenade

By Percy Bysshe Shelley

I arise from dreams of thee
In the first sweet sleep of night,
When the winds are breathing low,
And the stars are shining bright:
I arise from dreams of thee,
And a spirit in my feet
Hath led me—who knows how?
To thy chamber window, Sweet!

 

The wandering airs they faint
On the dark, the silent stream—
The Champak odours fail
Like sweet thoughts in a dream;
The Nightingale’s complaint,
It dies upon her heart;—
As I must on thine,
Oh, belovèd as thou art!

 

Oh lift me from the grass!
I die! I faint! I fail!
Let thy love in kisses rain
On my lips and eyelids pale.
My cheek is cold and white, alas!
My heart beats loud and fast;—
Oh! press it to thine own again,
Where it will break at last.
 
 
_______________________

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